Wednesday, January 21

"Now you're conversations, scholarships and occupations. You look so different than before..."

The title I chose for this post couldn’t be more suggestive: a young student who goes back to her homeland after months away and finds herself surrounded by memories and nostalgia. The title is part of a song by my favorite band The Birthday Massacre, and was borrowed by me. The short description given above is just my personal interpretation. Every vacation I find myself in great distress and coming here feels almost like if I could travel through time in order to heal my soul. The one I look for when I’m here is my old me, a way of rescuing my dreams, my essence. I was never the type good in socializing with a lot of people; it makes me feel lost amongst strangers that become my acquaintances faster than an eye blink. And I despise the fake interactions among freshmen and veterans at college: people making “fast-food-friends” and talking at each other’s back, adding, liking and commenting on stupid and narcissistic junk they post on social networks. My few friends, and by friend I mean the true meaning of this lexeme, are not at all like that, which makes me feel proud to the bones. I long for living without the judgments of others, without the likes, truly living a life beyond a screen full of idiots.

In portuguese we have two words to say that we miss something, but there is a slightly difference in their meanings that even natives might not be aware of: saudade means that you miss something cheerfully. The cognate nostalgia means that you miss something with pain. I never thought about this difference in meaning and like everyone else I’d just use either in the same context. Speaking like someone who lives the life dwelling on the past I realize how hard it is for me to even let other people gain my trust and become part of my life.  Back at the time I moved to another city and was in the verge of a new phase in my life, I felt and urge to make new friends like if that would somehow make up for what I had to leave behind, but though I did make few friends I see how disconnected I am. Whether it’s good I don’t know. At first it seemed emotional maturity advancement, since I always had trouble for being extremely connected to friends, but after some thinking this seems rather an excuse to dismiss the idea of being a cold person.

Inspiration for this post and an album filled with some of my fave afternoon lullabies! "Violet", released in 2004. The title is part of the thirteenth track: Nevermind. 

By the way, I recently visited some old friends and accidentally ran into another on the street. I gathered with some guys at their house and we spent the afternoon drinking and listening to Oblivion’s soundtrack. Together we made an unforgettable scene: three guys and a girl drinking bear from the bottle, talking of computer games and laughing.

Now back at the title, another idea synthesized by this sentence is that of how college changes us, our personality, tastes and views of the world around us. Against my will it turned my mind into something less fancy. Up to a point this is a necessary tool for surviving in the real world, but if you lose control, it might wash your essence away. After entering university some people I used to know so well changed and I no longer recognize them. It’s no longer possible to talk without at some point arguing over something only to feel how the person wants to make an academic competition out of nothing. It totally sucks. I wonder how my family and acquaintances see me after all these years. When I talk about changes conditioned by academic environment I include the idea of becoming more serious, critical. For instance, I no longer have the same appetite for fantasy novels. I tried to read a book by Terry Brooks (something I totally fancied before!) but couldn’t go through it. The same happened to a vampire fiction called The Moth Diaries. It feels like this kind of literature won’t add anything useful to my repertoire. The fact that I’m currently doing a degree in languages & literature affects directly my taste in books and general culture (don’t know about other countries but here you can’t study any of this subjects apart, so at college you ought to take literature, linguistics and a foreign language – in my case, german).

Lack of time is another concern – my little time has driven me away from my hobbies, my blog and everything else. The violin lessons are my only outlet in these dark times.

The thought of putting this blog to sleep has been lurking inside my head since I’ve had no time to manage it and from now on things will keep getting worse. But for some reason I decided to keep it, but not without some transformations. I like writing and don’t care whether people read it through and through or just look at the pictures as they scroll down the page. Though I love the victorian aesthetics I was fed up with the old wallpaper, then I switched it to something more doll like. But the change in the blog goes beyond its layout. 

Apart from the journal thing, firstly I’d like to give my blog a purpose, rather than just write about my daily outfit – We know in which social networks this sort of thing is more fitting. I’m really up to helping fellows who share my tastes and seek the same lifestyle I do, and this includes being an old-fashioned soul seeking for tradition, vegetarian food, old clothes, early music and a living dream. From now on I plan to bring you vegetarian recipes, more band reviews, patterns for old fashion, book reviews (maybe), etc. And secondly, I will no longer be using my mother tongue here since it decreases the number of readers. I also have a need of staying in touch with english (specially in terms of writing), that’s why I’ll do my best to express myself here although I still have a lot to learn!


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